You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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