I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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