I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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