and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
