Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
