I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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