I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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