I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
