as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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