My liver just broke up with me...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
