New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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