she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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