I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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