oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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