Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
