I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
