My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
