I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
