If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
