I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
