i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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