I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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