Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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