can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
