HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
