He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
