dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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