Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
should my penis look like a turkey
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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