Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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