Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
