Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
