I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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