Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
