But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
pray to the hookup gods
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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