Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
