hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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