Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
