I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
