I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
