Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
