o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
