I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
