Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
