Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
