I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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