"it" just moved
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize