the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
