The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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