I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
MIDGETS
????
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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