Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
