im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
