Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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