During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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