I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
