last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize