People in love make me want to vomit
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I currently don't understand fingers.
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