I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
