New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
