You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
