Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
