A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
