hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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